[ Singles & Dating ] Open Question : I had the perfect guy and I ruined it?

[ Singles & Dating ] Open Question : I had the perfect guy and I ruined it?

I feel like i found my idea of perfection in a man. I think this guy was
the sweetest, best person I ever meet. I got raped a year and a half ago
though and so when my relationship got physical with this man after a long
period of friendship I totally freaked out on him, accused him of taking
advantage of me and slept with his friend. I feel like I've been waking up
in a nightmare ever since then. I'll reach out to him and he seems to be
interested and then I start a fight again. He seems to want to have sex
with me which made me think he's a bad person. But now I feel like he
really loved me and I was cruel. I feel obsessed with this idea that I
really, really think this was the one and I couldn't have ****** up
anymore. And he's forgiven me so many times but, I always get mad at him
again. Does anyone have advice for how to get myself together and stop
feeling so sad about how I acted??????